Working Mom

For any of you who are wondering where I've been for the last two months, I've been working in my clinical internship to get my Holistic Health Practitioner diploma. Until last week, I have been working at a senior's living facility every weekday. For the first time since my daughter has been born, I have been a true working mom.

I'm glad that this experience is now over because I don't think being a full-time working mom is for me (or for my daughter for that matter). I'm not saying that being a stay-at-home mom is in any way easy, but at least when I stay at home I don't feel guilty at how little time I am spending with my daughter and I don't have to constantly leave her while she is screaming and crying that she wants me to stay. As a working mom, the moment I got home my daughter wanted all my attention but I still had to cook supper, and on the weekend I had to run around doing various things like groceries and laundry. It seems like even when I was home, I didn't have much time to spend with her.

The internship was perhaps a little worse than some (though not all) jobs. At rush hour, it was a 45 minute drive from home partly in bumper-to-bumper traffic, which added to an already long day. And after Sarah went to bed at night, I had to complete loads of paperwork, research and various assignments before I could go to bed myself. Since my husband has had a particularly busy schedule himself over the last while, we were lucky if the dishes got done twice a week!

On the other hand, staying at home every day puts me into a rut, drains my energy, and deprives me of adult human contact. I personally find it exceedingly difficult to be the sole focus of my daughter's every demand (and she has no small list) every day and all day. The activities she enjoys doing are not usually what I most enjoy, which is sometimes good for me and sometimes exhausting. I know it's all part of being a mother and I am so fortunate to be able to stay home with her but I need something to fill my own cup a little more.

I think my ideal solution is to work one or two days a week. Now I'm not just talking about going to any old job just to scrounge up a little cash and waste some time, but real, fulfilling work where I'm doing something I really enjoy. Two days gets me that time away from home I need to come back refreshed and ready to be fully present with my daughter.

Now if I could just put that plan into action...

How do you feel about being a work/home situation?

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Breastfeeding Benefits

There are so many things to be said about breastfeeding, yet most everything I would like to say references the benefits of breastfeeding. So, even though you can find this information in a host of different places, I'll put it in my own words.

There are only a few physical medical reasons that a mother should not at least attempt to breastfeed an infant, including the baby having galactosemia, or the mother taking certain drugs such as chemotherapy. You can find a more complete list here: US Center for Disease Control on Breastfeeding. Mental/emotional or other issues that may prevent breastfeeding are certainly possible as well. If there is no significant reason to prevent a mother from breastfeeding, here's a little look at why it's the best option available for feeding an infant.

Breastfeeding is so good for babies!

• The first milk that comes from a mother after a baby is born isn't really milk but colostrum. Colostrum is full not only of nutrients but of antibodies. These antibodies help protect the baby from it's first encounters with the microorganisms of the world. Many mothers (and others) worry about the tiny amount of colostrum that the baby gets but infants' tummies are tiny and the colostrum they get is just right.
• Breast milk then changes over time. The colostrum turns into milk after a few days, but the changes don't stop there; the milk changes in the amount of fat, sugar, water, and protein that are available to the baby as he or she grows.
• Breast milk is also easier for infants to digest. Human milk has human proteins whereas formula is created from cow milk or soy milk, each which can be difficult for babies to learn to digest.
• Breast milk helps prevent disease. Infants who are breastfed are less likely than formula-fed infants to experience ear infections, diarrhea, asthma, obesity, diabetes, childhood leukemia and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), and more.

But if that's not good enough for you, breastfeeding benefits mothers too!

• Breast milk is easier to do (at least over time) than bottle feeding. There are no bottles to prepare or sterilize and the breast milk is always at the right temperature, any time of the day or night.
• Breastfeeding can save money. It's unbelievable how expensive formula can be - especially if your infant has dairy allergies.
• Breastfeeding can help mothers lose the weight put on during pregnancy.
• Breastfeeding provides long-lasting health benefits to a mother including reduced risks of type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and postpartum depression.

Breastfeeding is definitely not all butterflies and roses. Particularly at first, breastfeeding can prove particularly challenging. It is not possible for every mother and infant, but when it is possible, with a little persistence and a lot of love, breastfeeding can bring a lifetime of benefits.

[1] U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Why Breastfeeding is Important, accessed January 25, 2011 from http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/why-breastfeeding-is-important/

Don't Grow Out of Play

As I watch my 2-year-old daughter go through her day, I am amazed at how important play is in her world. "Play is essential to development because it contributes to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children and youth."^[1] Play is so important that the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights has declared it to be a right for every child.^[1]

It's not hard to look around and find all the reasons that play is so important to a child. What I don't understand is why people try to discourage play as we grow older, and supposedly wiser. I guess that as adults, we are "allowed" to play in certain very specific circumstances such as sports, hobbies, or board games, but even on many of these occasions we take things much too seriously. If someone decides to play their way through the more serious tasks of life, such as work, socializing, and housework we call them "juvenile."

Of course there are those people who cannot take anything seriously, but that is not what I'm talking about. As adults, we should be able to perceive a situation accurately and make a good choice about whether a playful or most serious attitude would best serve us. What if doing the dishes became panning for gold? Or if filing your taxes was filling out an application form for becoming royalty? The possibilities are endless and many of the stresses of life would be reduced by a simple change in perspective - that would be great for our health.

I wouldn't exactly call myself a model for playful behaviour. Goodness knows that I was the type of child who was serious far before it became "necessary." It absolutely exhausts me to try to play to the level of my daughter day after day. Even though I don't think it's too late for me (or anybody else), I bring this up more in the context of children. What if we were able to teach our children to keep a healthy sense of play throughout their lives? How might their future and the future of the entire planet be different?

How could we possibly accomplish this? Well, I have to bring it back to us adults because one of the best ways to teach a child is through example. Even with example, it's probably not the easiest lesson to teach as the rest of the world continues to function seriously. But even a small step is a step!

So pick one thing you "have" to do this week and make it a game. And while you're at it, make sure your children catch you at it, or better yet ask them to join in. Let's make play a right for everyone!

[1] Kenneth R. Ginsburg. The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds, Pediatrics 119, no. 1 (2007): 182-191. Accessed January 1, 2011. doi: 10.1542/peds.2006-2697.

Bed-sharing and Independence

Bed-sharing is a sleeping arrangement where an infant or child sleeps next to one or both parents in the same bed. The idea of bed-sharing is very controversial in North-American society. There are so many things to be said about bed-sharing from reason to do it, reasons not to do it, safety concerns, cultural considerations... The topic I'm going to focus on is bed-sharing and it's relationship with the independence of the child.

When I admit to people that we practice bed-sharing with my daughter, I often see a flash of disbelief in the people's eyes, followed frequently by the advice that it has to stop. "If you don't get her in her own bed now, she'll be there forever!" I have often heard people say that children need to learn independence.

I freely admit that bed-sharing has its downside. Bed-sharing children tend to me more dependent on their parents when it comes to going to sleep. These children also tend to have more night-wakings than "solitary sleepers."^[1] But should bedtime independence define independence as a whole? Some theory behind bed-sharing, at least as a part of a larger parenting system, is that allowing a child to stay with his or her parents at night, until the child is more prepared to sleep on his or her own, will foster a sense of confidence in the child. But does this theory hold true?

I've definitely heard anecdotal evidence that bed-sharing children tend to be confident and independent older children. One study investigated sleeping style and independence, comparing self-reliance and social independent behaviours in early bed-sharers (children who had bed-shared from infancy), reactive bed-sharers (children who had bed-shared starting on or after 1 year of age), and solitary sleepers. The researchers had theorized that the early bed-sharers would show the least amount of self-reliance and social independence compared to the two other groups but found the exact opposite to be significant.^[1]

Basically it seems like allowing a child to be dependent at night helps them to be more independent during the day. There are stories of some bed-sharing children staying with their parents until they are almost teenagers. While this can happen, it often points to either a family that is acceptable of this type of arrangement, or possibly to other psychological issues with the child or family. In the same study described above, the mean age that early bed-sharing children were able to sleep through the night on their own was 25.5 months (just over two years old). I think that estimate may be slightly low but the point is that it doesn't have to last forever.

Once again, I don't think that bed-sharing is for everyone. But for those families where the bed-sharing arrangement is working for and acceptable to all those involved, have no fear for the eventual independence of the child. Bed-sharing children have as much a chance at being well-adjusted and independent as solitary sleeping children... if not more!

[1] Meret A. Keller and Wendy A. Goldberg. "Co-sleeping: Help or hindrance for young children's independence?" Infant & Child Development 13, no. 4 (2004): 369-388. Accessed November 15, 2010. doi: 10.1002/icd.365

The Two-Year-Old Dependency Paradox

Anyone who has ever had a 2-year old knows that life with a child of that age can be full of paradoxes. I find that one of those paradoxes exists around dependency.

My 2-year-old Sarah is an extremely independent child. If she falls down, don't even try to sympathize or help her back up. She will not hold my hand going down the stairs or even allow me to have my hand hover near her. If I try to help her with something she is working on and she hasn't asked for my help, you can only imagine the response. And worst of all, despite my continuing efforts, she is convinced that she does not need to hold my hand while crossing the street or walking in a parking lot. Sometimes she even forcefully breaks away from me, runs across the street and once she is safely on the other side, she looks at me and says "Good job Sarah!" The look in her eyes tells me "See Mommy. I can do it myself!"

And then there's the dependent Sarah. God forbid she should be able to play on her own for a few minutes while I fold laundry or cook supper. Instead she's always there making her hundred requests per minute or trying to get me to play another game. While I can see improvement in that area, there's no more dependent time for Sarah than sleep time. Sarah needs her water bottle (filled with cold water) and the closet doors must be closed. Even the idea that anyone other than me should put her to sleep is ridiculous. Some days she is so needy that I want to scream!

Sometimes it can be hard for mothers to talk about dependent toddlers. From parents to doctors to psychologists to just about anybody, you hear that the sooner you eliminate dependent tendencies the better. So many people are focused on having independent children. According to Dr. Sears, "[t]he problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence."^[1]

There are definite disadvantages to having a dependent 2-year-old. Mothers who respond to dependent toddlers may find that they have considerably less freedom than mothers who push independence, and then there's the peer pressure to push independence as well. But the advantages to your toddler will last a lifetime. Once again, Dr. Sears points out:

Best odds for a baby developing a healthy sense of self is for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the baby. Discipline problems are less likely to occur when baby separates from mother gradually.^[1]

The dependent/independent patterns of a 2-year-old are perfectly normal. Relax and remember that your child will become more independent in his or her own time. Nurtured dependence in infants and toddlers can lead to secure independence when your child is older.

[1] "Helping a Toddler Ease into Independence," AskDrSears.com, accessed September 26, 2010 from http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T131500.asp

An "Overtired" Child is a Cruel Joke on Parents

Here's the scenario: For whatever reason, your child didn't get a good sleep last night. Maybe she went to be late or maybe she woke up because of a tummy ache or maybe something else all together. Unlike most "reasonable" human beings who would sleep in if they had the chance, your child wakes up earlier than usual. But the reduced amount of sleep has taken its toll: crabbiness, sensitivity, tantrums... Several hours and a lot less patience later, some time before her scheduled nap, you see her rubbing her eyes. "Hmm..." you think. "If I put her to bed now, her whole schedule will be messed up!" As you are trying to decide whether or not to put her to sleep, you fold another load of laundry. Before you know it your child is running around in circles and climbing walls. Oh no, now you've done it! Your child is overtired!! Dum DUM dum!

Sound dramatic? Maybe... Maybe not. Something not unlike this happened to me and my 2-year old daughter Sarah this morning. After an incredibly frustrating morning, I was dying to put her down for her nap. Instead of falling asleep almost immediately as she usually does when we get things right, she was running around the room, jumping on the bed, and singing at the top of her lungs. So what do some sleep trainers generally recommend in a circumstance like this? I believe lock them up and let them cry-it-out (CIO) comes to mind.

Now, forget children for a moment. Have you ever been overtired? Maybe some night you were absolutely exhausted but for whatever reason you pushed through it until you caught your "second wind." What happens then? When you're finally ready to go to bed, you just can't seem to fall asleep! What do sleep experts recommend when you're having trouble falling asleep? Well, there are recommendations like cut back on your caffeine and avoid stimulating activities before bedtime. Then there's the common suggestion that you shouldn't stay in bed when you can't sleep; instead you should get up and do something boring or calming.

Funny how the recommendations for children and adults are so different. Now I'll be the first to admit that what works for adults doesn't always work for children. But sometimes we just don't see the connection between what a child experiences and what we as adults experience, usually because our children aren't able to clearly communicate what they are thinking and feeling.

In this case with Sarah, I let her get back up and ravage the entire house instead of just the bedroom. I encouraged her to try to slow down and read some books. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than for her to sleep and leave me with a few moments of peace. But it certainly wasn't her fault that she was full of energy and couldn't fall asleep. Finally, an hour and a half after I expected her to fall asleep, I saw her rubbing her eyes again and was able to put her to bed without a fight. Another day, another test of patience!