The Two-Year-Old Dependency Paradox

Anyone who has ever had a 2-year old knows that life with a child of that age can be full of paradoxes. I find that one of those paradoxes exists around dependency.

My 2-year-old Sarah is an extremely independent child. If she falls down, don't even try to sympathize or help her back up. She will not hold my hand going down the stairs or even allow me to have my hand hover near her. If I try to help her with something she is working on and she hasn't asked for my help, you can only imagine the response. And worst of all, despite my continuing efforts, she is convinced that she does not need to hold my hand while crossing the street or walking in a parking lot. Sometimes she even forcefully breaks away from me, runs across the street and once she is safely on the other side, she looks at me and says "Good job Sarah!" The look in her eyes tells me "See Mommy. I can do it myself!"

And then there's the dependent Sarah. God forbid she should be able to play on her own for a few minutes while I fold laundry or cook supper. Instead she's always there making her hundred requests per minute or trying to get me to play another game. While I can see improvement in that area, there's no more dependent time for Sarah than sleep time. Sarah needs her water bottle (filled with cold water) and the closet doors must be closed. Even the idea that anyone other than me should put her to sleep is ridiculous. Some days she is so needy that I want to scream!

Sometimes it can be hard for mothers to talk about dependent toddlers. From parents to doctors to psychologists to just about anybody, you hear that the sooner you eliminate dependent tendencies the better. So many people are focused on having independent children. According to Dr. Sears, "[t]he problem with many of the modern theories about discipline is that they focus so much on fostering independence that they lose sight of the necessity for a toddler to continue a healthy dependence."^[1]

There are definite disadvantages to having a dependent 2-year-old. Mothers who respond to dependent toddlers may find that they have considerably less freedom than mothers who push independence, and then there's the peer pressure to push independence as well. But the advantages to your toddler will last a lifetime. Once again, Dr. Sears points out:

Best odds for a baby developing a healthy sense of self is for the baby to separate from the mother and not the mother from the baby. Discipline problems are less likely to occur when baby separates from mother gradually.^[1]

The dependent/independent patterns of a 2-year-old are perfectly normal. Relax and remember that your child will become more independent in his or her own time. Nurtured dependence in infants and toddlers can lead to secure independence when your child is older.

[1] "Helping a Toddler Ease into Independence," AskDrSears.com, accessed September 26, 2010 from http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T131500.asp