Bed-sharing is a sleeping arrangement where an infant or child sleeps next to one or both parents in the same bed. The idea of bed-sharing is very controversial in North-American society. There are so many things to be said about bed-sharing from reason to do it, reasons not to do it, safety concerns, cultural considerations... The topic I'm going to focus on is bed-sharing and it's relationship with the independence of the child.
When I admit to people that we practice bed-sharing with my daughter, I often see a flash of disbelief in the people's eyes, followed frequently by the advice that it has to stop. "If you don't get her in her own bed now, she'll be there forever!" I have often heard people say that children need to learn independence.
I freely admit that bed-sharing has its downside. Bed-sharing children tend to me more dependent on their parents when it comes to going to sleep. These children also tend to have more night-wakings than "solitary sleepers."[1] But should bedtime independence define independence as a whole? Some theory behind bed-sharing, at least as a part of a larger parenting system, is that allowing a child to stay with his or her parents at night, until the child is more prepared to sleep on his or her own, will foster a sense of confidence in the child. But does this theory hold true?
I've definitely heard anecdotal evidence that bed-sharing children tend to be confident and independent older children. One study investigated sleeping style and independence, comparing self-reliance and social independent behaviours in early bed-sharers (children who had bed-shared from infancy), reactive bed-sharers (children who had bed-shared starting on or after 1 year of age), and solitary sleepers. The researchers had theorized that the early bed-sharers would show the least amount of self-reliance and social independence compared to the two other groups but found the exact opposite to be significant.[1]
Basically it seems like allowing a child to be dependent at night helps them to be more independent during the day. There are stories of some bed-sharing children staying with their parents until they are almost teenagers. While this can happen, it often points to either a family that is acceptable of this type of arrangement, or possibly to other psychological issues with the child or family. In the same study described above, the mean age that early bed-sharing children were able to sleep through the night on their own was 25.5 months (just over two years old). I think that estimate may be slightly low but the point is that it doesn't have to last forever.
Once again, I don't think that bed-sharing is for everyone. But for those families where the bed-sharing arrangement is working for and acceptable to all those involved, have no fear for the eventual independence of the child. Bed-sharing children have as much a chance at being well-adjusted and independent as solitary sleeping children... if not more!
[1] Meret A. Keller and Wendy A. Goldberg. "Co-sleeping: Help or hindrance for young children's independence?" Infant & Child Development 13, no. 4 (2004): 369-388. Accessed November 15, 2010. doi: 10.1002/icd.365
I would be interested to know how this arrangement impacts the parental relationship? When is there time for private intimacy? As a parent, children consume so much of the day, and often become the focus and common factor in relationships - and night time is often when couples get alone time. So is bed sharing an everyday thing, or does the child sleep in their own bed three nights a week, so couples can have their time as well.
ReplyDeleteThat is another common "critique" of bed-sharing and a very good question. I could write a whole other post on this but I will try to keep this brief to answer your question.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, when it comes to the parental relationship, it is important for the parents to come to the decision of bed-sharing together. If there is a disagreement on this point, it would be wise to treat this as a crucial issue since the effects of the decision will likely be felt every day. By that I mean that communication between the parents is important (even after the decision is made), and in the event of continued disagreement, counselling is not an over-reaction.
Now, if both parents have come to an agreement on bed-sharing, there is no need to sacrifice private intimacy. The key is a little creativity. Most bed-sharing children, except perhaps when they are VERY young, do not need to be next to a parent at all times. While the child is sleeping deeply, same as with children sleeping in their own room, there is plenty of alone time to be had (just not necessarily in the bedroom).
The child having their own bed three nights a week sounds like a good solution at first, but if there is anything sleep experts agree on, it's that consistency is key. That arrangement would be most likely be next to impossible to implement with most children. One partial bed-sharing solution that is common and does seem to work is that the child is put to bed in their own room at night and is then allowed to join the parents in their bed if/when the child wakes up in the middle of the night.
The short answer is that intimacy does not need to be sacrificed but it may require communication and creativity. It takes work - but what good marriage doesn't?
I do agree that kids can't have too much time with their parents. We did something in the middle. My daughter slept 9 months in our room. Some days in her crib, some others in our bed, but always with us. Our son stayed 6 months.
ReplyDeleteI think they do need that security but couples need their time alone too, so those time frames worked for us. Great post!
we are a bed-sharing family from the time they were born :D my sons are now 5 yrs. and 3 yrs. i also believe bed-sharing won't affect their independence when they grow up. though we believe they will be wanting to have a bed of their own in time, also being boys. you're right, i and hubby have learned how to be creative in our alone time :D
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