I've been thinking about friendship recently. Now I'm not the kind of person who has ever been able to make friends easily. But as hard as it was in the past, friendship has gotten even harder since I've had a child.
Now it didn't surprise me that it would be harder to stay close to my friends who aren't married or don't have children of their own. I've heard all the stories and it just makes sense that the lifestyle of a parent is usually drastically different than that of a child-less person. That can strain friendships if there isn't some amount of understanding and work to keep the friendship evolving. And some parents change their lives more than others. I'm on the major change side of the spectrum.
But it never occurred to me how hard it might be to stay friends with other parents or make new parent friends. There have been so many obstacles to me, I almost don't know where to start! I guess one of the biggest things that has made it harder for me to make mom-friends is my choice of parenting style. Other mothers have told me that they have found good friendships in their first mom's group. I found that my parenting style was so different than the styles of the other mothers that I found it difficult to join in on the conversations.
Even if you find a mother (or group of mothers) with similar parenting style, there are other obstacles to friendship when you have a young child. If your children are on different schedules (or maybe still on no schedule at all) it can be near impossible to find a good time to get together. And any mothers out there know that a plan with a baby involved is almost no plan at all. Inconsistent sleep, illness, teething, crabbiness and any number of other issues can cause you to have to re-schedule.
When you finally get together with a friend, any conversation is constantly interrupted with a child needing feeding, changing, cuddling or some other sort of attention. When I would meet a friend at the park, I was so busy chasing my daughter and making sure she wasn't falling off the equipment that I could barely find 10 minutes to talk to my friend. The short time you do get to talk to your friends end up being talk about children since that is what your attention has been on almost exclusively for so long. It can be hard to have a real, meaningful conversation about anything else.
Then after a while, some mothers go back to work, meaning that you can only see them outside of work hours. That's usually the same time that your husband finally comes home from work. Now as a strong introvert, I often use the little "off" time I get to be alone (maybe write a blog entry or something). Then I also have to consider spending time with my husband and daughter together as a family. I also have to take this time to work on my business or hobbies. Then there's the extra housework that isn't easily done with a child running around. After all that, I might have the slightest bit of time to spend with my working friends (whether they are parents or not).
So what's my point? Obviously, it can be hard for some parents to keep or make strong friendships after having children. Non-parents, please be understanding of your parent friends - parenthood can really be all-consuming. Parents, please be gentle with yourselves and your other parent friends. Remember that friendship is an important part of your social health (and by extension, your overall health). You may have to be creative and do a little work in keeping your friendships active or find new friendships. Be honest with your friends and keep communication lines open.
Moms, how do you make new friends or keep old ones? What problems have you found in friendship after children?
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